would have thought unbelievable： she began to show a marked preference
for Ralph Hambleton。 At first I regarded this affair as the most obvious
of retaliations。 She； likewise； had pride。 Gradually； however； a
feeling of uneasiness crept over me： as pretence； her performance was
altogether too realistic； she threw her whole soul into it； danced with
Ralph as often as she had ever danced with me； took walks with him；
deferred to his opinions until； in spite of myself； I became convinced
that the preference was genuine。 I was a curious mixture of self…
confidence and self…depreciation； and never had his superiority seemed
more patent than now。 His air of satisfaction was maddening。
How well I remember his triumph on that hot； June morning of our
graduation from Densmore； a triumph he had apparently achieved without
labour； and which he seemed to despise。 A fitful breeze blew through the
chapel at the top of the building； we； the graduates； sat in two rows
next to the platform； and behind us the wooden benches nicked by many
kniveswere filled with sisters and mothers and fathers； some anxious；
some proud and some sad。 So brief a span； like that summer's day； and
youth was gone！ Would the time come when we； too； should sit by the
waters of Babylon and sigh for it？ The world was upside down。
We read the one hundred and third psalm。 Then Principal Haime； in his
long 〃Prince Albert〃 and a ridiculously inadequate collar that emphasized
his scrawny neck； reminded us of the sacred associations we had formed；
of the peculiar responsibilities that rested on us； who were the
privileged of the city。 〃We had crossed to…day；〃 he said； 〃an invisible
threshold。 Some were to go on to higher institutions of learning。
Others。。。〃 I gulped。 Quoting the Scriptures； he complimented those who
had made the most of their opportunities。 And it was then that he called
out； impressively； the name of Ralph Forrester Hambleton。 Summa cum
laude！ Suddenly I was seized with passionate； vehement regrets at the
sound of the applause。 I might have been the prize scholar； instead of
Ralph； if I had only worked； if I had only realized what this focussing
day of graduation meant！ I might have been a marked individual； with
people murmuring words of admiration； of speculation concerning the
brilliancy of my future！。。。 When at last my name was called and I rose
to receive my diploma it seemed as though my incompetency had been
proclaimed to the world。。。
That evening I stood in the narrow gallery of the flag…decked gymnasium
and watched Nancy dancing with Ralph。
I let her go without protest or reproach。 A mysterious lesion seemed to
have taken place； I felt astonished and relieved； yet I was heavy with
sadness。 My emancipation had been bought at a price。 Something hitherto
spontaneous； warm and living was withering within me。
V。
It was true to my father's character that he should have waited until the
day after graduation to discuss my future； if discussion be the proper
word。 The next evening at supper he informed me that he wished to talk
to me in the sitting…room； whither I followed him with a sinking heart。
He seated himself at his desk； and sat for a moment gazing at me with a
curious and benumbing expression； and then the blow fell。
〃Hugh； I have spoken to your Cousin Robert Breck about you； and he has
kindly consented to give you a trial。〃
〃To give me a trial； sir！〃 I exclaimed。
〃To employ you at a small but reasonable salary。〃
I could find no words to express my dismay。 My dreams had come to this；
that I was to be made a clerk in a grocery store！ The fact that it was a
wholesale grocery store was little consolation。
〃But father；〃 I faltered； 〃I don't want to go into business。〃
〃Ah！〃 The sharpness of the exclamation might have betrayed to me the
pain in which he was； but he recovered himself instantly。 And I could
see nothing but an inexorable justice closing in on me mechanically； a
blind justice； in its inability to read my soul。 〃The time to have
decided that；〃 he declared； 〃was some years ago； my son。 I have given
you the best schooling a boy can have； and you have not shown the least
appreciation of your advantages。 I do not enjoy saying this； Hugh； but
in spite of all my efforts and of those of your mother； you have remained
undeveloped and irresponsible。 My hope； as you know； was to have made
you a professional man； a lawyer； and to take you into my office。 My
father and grandfather were professional men before me。 But you are
wholly lacking in ambition。〃
And I had burned with it all my life！
〃I have ambition；〃 I cried； the tears forcing themselves to my eyes。
〃Ambitionfor what； my son？〃
I hesitated。 How could I tell him that my longings to do something； to
be somebody in the world were never more keen than at that moment？
Matthew Arnold had not then written his definition of God as the stream
of tendency by which we fulfil the laws of our being； and my father； at
any rate； would not have acquiesced in the definition。 Dimly but
passionately I felt then； as I had always felt； that I had a mission to
perform； a service to do which ultimately would be revealed to me。 But
the hopelessness of explaining this took on； now； the proportions of a
tragedy。 And I could only gaze at him。
〃What kind of ambition； Hugh？〃 he repeated sadly。
〃II have sometimes thought I could write； sir； if I had a chance。 I
like it better than anything else。 II have tried it。 And if I could
only go to college〃
〃Literature！〃 There was in his voice a scandalized note。
〃Why not； father？〃 I asked weakly。
And now it was he who； for the first time； seemed to be at a loss to
express himself。 He turned in his chair； and with a sweep of the hand
indicated the long rows of musty…backed volumes。 〃Here；〃 he said； 〃you
have had at your disposal as well…assorted a small library as the city
contains； and you have not availed yourself of it。 Yet you talk to me of
literature as a profession。 I am afraid； Hugh； that this is merely
another indication of your desire to shun hard work； and I must tell you
frankly that I fail to see in you the least qualification for such a
career。 You have not even inherited my taste for books。 I venture to
say； for instance； that you have never even read a paragraph of Plutarch；
and yet when I was your age I was completely familiar with the Lives。
You will not read Scott or Dickens。〃
The impeachment was not to be denied； for the classics were hateful to
me。 Naturally I was afraid to make such a damning admission。 My father
had succeeded in presenting my ambition as the height of absurdity and
presumption； and with something of the despair of a shipwrecked mariner
my eyes rested on the green expanses of those book…backs； Bohn's Standard
Library！ Nor did it occur to him or to me that one might be great in
literature without having read so much as a gritty page of them。。。。
He finished his argument by reminding me that worthless persons sought to
enter the arts in the search for a fool's paradise； and in order to
satisfy a reprehensible craving for notoriety。 The implication was
clear； that imaginative production could not be classed as hard work。
And he assured me that literature was a profession in which no one could
afford to be second class。 A Longfellow； a Harriet Beecher Stowe； or
nothing。 This was a practical age and a practical country。 We had
indeed produced Irvings and Hawthornes； but the future of American
letters was； to say the least； problematical。 We were a utilitarian
people who would never create a great literature； and he reminded me that
the days of the romantic and the picturesque had passed。 He gathered
that I desired to be a novelist。 Well； novelists； with certain
exceptions； were fantastic fellows who blew iridescent soap…bubbles and
who had no morals。 In the face of such a philosophy as his I was mute。
The world appeared a dreary place of musty offices and smoky steel…works；
of coal dust； of labour without a spark of inspiration。 And that other；
the world of my dreams； simply did not exist。
Incidentally my father had condemned Cousin Robert's wholesale grocery
business as a refuge of the lesser of intellect that could not achieve
the professions；an inference not calculated to stir my ambition and
liking for it at the start。
I began my business career on the following Monday morning。 At
breakfast； held earlier than usual on my account； my mother's sympathy
was the more eloquent for being unspoken； while my father wore an air of
unwonted cheerfulness； charging me； when I departed； to give his kindest
remembrances to my Cousin Robert Breck。 With a sense of martyrdom
somehow deepened by this attitude of my parents I boarded a horse…car and
went down town。 Early though it was； the narrow streets of the wholesale
district reverberated with the rattle of trucks and echoed with the
shouts of drivers。 The day promised to be scorching。 At the door of the
warehouse of Breck and Company I was greeted by the ineffable smell of
groceries in which the suggestion of parched coffee prevailed。 This is
the sharpest remembrance of al