however； were for annihilating it： although they took the other side of
the discussion of a subject of which none of us knew anything； their
attacks were but half…hearted； like me； they were still under the spell
exerted by a youthful training。
We were all of us aware of Ralph； who sat at some distance looking over
the pages of an English sporting weekly。 Presently he flung it down。
〃Haven't you found out yet that man created God； Hughie？〃 he inquired。
〃And even if there were a personal God； what reason have you to think
that man would be his especial concern； or any concern of his whatever？
The discovery of evolution has knocked your Christianity into a cocked
hat。〃
I don't remember how I answered him。 In spite of the superficiality of
his own arguments； which I was not learned enough to detect； I was
ingloriously routed。 Darwin had kicked over the bucket； and that was all
there was to it。。。。 After we had left the club both Conybear and Laurens
admitted they were somewhat disturbed； declaring that Ralph had gone too
far。 I spent a miserable night； recalling the naturalistic assertions he
had made so glibly； asking myself again and again how it was that the
religion to which I so vainly clung had no greater effect on my actions
and on my will； had not prevented me from lapses into degradation。 And I
hated myself for having argued upon a subject that was still sacred。 I
believed in Christ； which is to say that I believed that in some
inscrutable manner he existed； continued to dominate the world and had
suffered on my account。
To whom should I go now for a confirmation of my wavering beliefs？ One
of the resultsit will be remembered of religion as I was taught it was
a pernicious shyness； and even though I had found a mentor and confessor；
I might have hesitated to unburden myself。 This would be different from
arguing with Ralph Hambleton。 In my predicament； as I was wandering
through the yard； I came across a notice of an evening talk to students
in Holder Chapel； by a clergyman named Phillips Brooks。 This was before
the time； let me say in passing； when his sermons at Harvard were
attended by crowds of undergraduates。 Well； I stood staring at the
notice； debating whether I should go； trying to screw up my courage； for
I recognized clearly that such a step； if it were to be of any value；
must mean a distinct departure from my present mode of life； and I recall
thinking with a certain revulsion that I should have to 〃turn good。〃 My
presence at the meeting would be known the next day to all my friends；
for the idea of attending a religious gathering when one was not forced
to do so by the authorities was unheard of in our set。 I should be
classed with the despised 〃pious ones〃 who did such things regularly。 I
shrank from the ridicule。 I had； however； heard of Mr。 Brooks from Ned
Symonds； who was by no means of the pious type； and whose parents
attended Mr。 Brooks's church in Boston。。。。 I left my decision in
abeyance。 But when evening came I stole away from the club table； on the
plea of an engagement； and made my way rapidly toward Holder Chapel。 I
had almost reached itwhen I caught a glimpse of Symonds and of some
others approaching；and I went on； to turn again。 By this time the
meeting； which was in a room on the second floor； had already begun。
Palpitating； I climbed the steps； the door of the room was slightly ajar；
I looked in； I recall a distinct sensation of surprise；the atmosphere
of that meeting was so different from what I had expected。 Not a 〃pious〃
atmosphere at all！ I saw a very tall and heavy gentleman； dressed in
black； who sat； wholly at ease； on the table！ One hand was in his
pocket； one foot swung clear of the ground； and he was not preaching； but
talking in an easy； conversational tone to some forty young men who sat
intent on his words。 I was too excited to listen to what he was saying；
I was making a vain attempt to classify him。 But I remember the thought；
for it struck me with force；that if Christianity were so thoroughly
discredited by evolution； as Ralph Hambleton and other agnostics would
have one believe； why should this remarkably sane and able…looking person
be standing up for it as though it were still an established and
incontrovertible fact？
He had not； certainly； the air of a dupe or a sentimentalist； but
inspired confidence by his very personality。 Youthlike； I watched him
narrowly for flaws； for oratorical tricks； for all kinds of histrionic
symptoms。 Again I was near the secret； again it escaped me。 The
argument for Christianity lay not in assertions about it； but in being
it。 This man was Christianity。。。。 I must have felt something of this；
even though I failed to formulate it。 And unconsciously I contrasted his
strength； which reinforced the atmosphere of the room； with that of Ralph
Hambleton； who was； a greater influence over me than I have recorded； and
had come to sway me more and more； as he had swayed others。 The strength
of each was impressive； yet this Mr。 Brooks seemed to me the bodily
presentment of a set of values which I would have kept constantly before
my eyes。。。。 I felt him drawing me； overcoming my hesitation； belittling
my fear of ridicule。 I began gently to open the doorwhen something
happened；one of those little things that may change the course of a
life。 The door made little noise； yet one of the men sitting in the back
of the room chanced to look around； and I recognized Hermann Krebs。 His
face was still sunken from his recent illness。 Into his eyes seemed to
leap a sudden appeal； an appeal to which my soul responded yet I hurried
down the stairs and into the street。 Instantly I regretted my retreat； I
would have gone back； but lacked the courage； and I strayed unhappily for
hours； now haunted by that look of Krebs； now wondering what the
remarkably sane…looking and informal clergyman whose presence dominated
the little room had been talking about。 I never learned； but I did live
to read his biography； to discover what he might have talked about；for
he if any man believed that life and religion are one； and preached
consecration to life's task。
Of little use to speculate whether the message； had I learned it then；
would have fortified and transformed me！
In spite of the fact that I was unable to relate to a satisfying
conception of religion my new…born determination； I made up my mind； at
least； to renounce my tortuous ways。 I had promised my father to be a
lawyer； I would keep my promise； I would give the law a fair trial； later
on； perhaps； I might demonstrate an ability to write。 All very
praiseworthy！ The season was Lent； a fitting time for renunciations and
resolves。 Although I had more than once fallen from grace； I believed
myself at last to have settled down on my true coursewhen something
happened。 The devil interfered subtly； as usualnow in the person of
Jerry Kyme。 It should be said in justice to Jerry that he did not look
the part。 He had sunny…red； curly hair； mischievous blue eyes with long
lashes； and he harboured no respect whatever for any individual or
institution； sacred or profane； he possessed； however； a shrewd sense of
his own value； as many innocent and unsuspecting souls discovered as
early as our freshman year； and his method of putting down the
presumptuous was both effective and unique。 If he liked you； there could
be no mistake about it。
One evening when I was engaged in composing a theme for Mr。 Cheyne on no
less a subject than the interpretation of the work of William Wordsworth；
I found myself unexpectedly sprawling on the floor； in my descent kicking
the table so vigorously as to send the ink…well a foot or two toward the
ceiling。 This； be it known； was a typical proof of Jerry's esteem。 For
he had entered noiselessly； jerking the back of my chair； which chanced
to be tilted； and stood with his hands in his pockets； surveying the ruin
he had wrought； watching the ink as it trickled on the carpet。 Then he
picked up the book。
〃Poetry； you darned old grind！〃 he exclaimed disgustedly。 〃Say； Parry； I
don't know what's got into you； but I want you to come home with me for
the Easter holidays。 It'll do you good。 We'll be on the Hudson； you
know； and we'll manage to make life bearable somehow。〃
I forgot my irritation； in sheer surprise。
〃Why； that's mighty good of you； Jerry〃 I began； struggling to my feet。
〃Oh； rot！〃 he exclaimed。 〃I shouldn't ask you if I didn't want you。〃
There was no denying the truth of this； and after he had gone I sat for a
long time with my pen in my mouth； reflecting as to whether or not I
should go。 For I had the instinct that here was another cross…roads；
that more depended on my decision than I cared to admit。 But even then I
knew what I should do。 Ridiculous not toI told myself。 How could a
week or ten days with Jerry possibly affect my newborn； resolve？
Yet the prospect； now； of a visit to the Kymes' was by no means so
glowing as it once would have been。 For I had seen visions； I had
dreamed dreams； beheld a delectable country of my very own。 A year ago
nay； even a month agohow such an invitation would have gl