a far country- 第59部分

It　suddenly　occurred　to　me　that　she　might　be。　　I　was　softened；　and
alarmed　by　the　spectacle　she　had　revealed　of　the　widening　breach　between
us。　　I　laid　my　hand　on　her　shoulder。

〃Well；　I'll　try　to　do　better；　Maude。〃

She　looked　up　at　me；　questioningly　yet　gratefully；　through　a　mist　of
tears。　　But　her　replywhatever　it　might　have　beenwas　forestalled　by
the　sound　of　shouts　and　laughter　in　the　hallway。　　She　sprang　up　and　ran
to　the　door。

〃It's　the　children；〃　she　exclaimed；　〃they've　come　home　from　Susan's
party！〃

It　begins　indeed　to　look　as　if　I　were　writing　this　narrative　upside　down；
for　I　have　said　nothing　about　children。　　Perhaps　one　reason　for　this
omission　is　that　I　did　not　really　appreciate　them；　that　I　found　it
impossible　to　take　the　same　minute　interest　in　them　as　Tom；　for　instance；
who　was；　apparently；　not　content　alone　with　the　six　which　he　possessed；
but　had　adopted　mine。　　One　of　them；　little　Sarah；　said　〃Uncle　Tom〃　before
〃Father。〃　　I　do　not　mean　to　say　that　I　had　not　occasional　moments　of
tenderness　toward　them；　but　they　were　out　of　my　thoughts　much　of　the
time。　　I　have　often　wondered；　since；　how　they　regarded　me；　how；　in　their
little　minds；　they　defined　the　relationship。　　Generally；　when　I　arrived
home　in　the　evening　I　liked　to　sit　down　before　my　study　fire　and　read　the
afternoon　newspapers　or　a　magazine；　but　occasionally　I　went　at　once　to
the　nursery　for　a　few　moments；　to　survey　with　complacency　the　medley　of
toys　on　the　floor；　and　to　kiss　all　three。　　They　received　my　caresses　with
a　certain　shynessthe　two　younger　ones；　at　least；　as　though　they　were　at
a　loss　to　place　me　as　a　factor　in　the　establishment。　　They　tumbled　over
each　other　to　greet　Maude；　and　even　Tom。　　If　I　were　an　enigma　to　them；
what　must　they　have　thought　of　him？　　Sometimes　I　would　discover　him　on
the　nursery　floor；　with　one　or　two　of　his　own　children；　building　towers
and　castles　and　railroad　stations；　or　forts　to　be　attacked　and　demolished
by　regiments　of　lead　soldiers。　　He　was　growing　comfortable…looking；　if
not　exactly　stout；　prematurely　paternal；　oddly　willing　to　renounce　the
fiercer　joys　of　life；　the　joys　of　acquisition；　of　conquest；　of　youth。

〃You'd　better　come　home　with　me；　Chickabiddy；〃　he　would　say；　〃that　father
of　yours　doesn't　appreciate　you。　　He's　too　busy　getting　rich。〃

〃Chickabiddy；〃　was　his　name　for　little　Sarah。　　Half　of　the　name　stuck　to
her；　and　when　she　was　older　we　called　her　Biddy。

She　would　gaze　at　him　questioningly；　her　eyes　like　blue　flower　cups；　a
strange　little　mixture　of　solemnity　and　bubbling　mirth；　of　shyness　and
impulsiveness。　　She　had　fat　legs　that　creased　above　the　tops　of　the
absurd　little　boots　that　looked　to　be　too　tight；　sometimes　she　rolled　and
tumbled　in　an　ecstasy　of　abandon；　and　again　she　would　sit　motionless；　as
though　absorbed　in　dreams。　　Her　hair　was　like　corn　silk　in　the　sun；
twisting　up　into　soft　curls　after　her　bath；　when　she　sat　rosily　presiding
over　her　supper　table。

As　I　look　back　over　her　early　infancy；　I　realize　that　I　loved　her；
although　it　is　impossible　for　me　to　say　how　much　of　this　love　is
retrospective。　　Why　I　was　not　mad　about　her　every　hour　of　the　day　is　a
puzzle　to　me　now。　　Why；　indeed；　was　I　not　mad　about　all　three　of　them？
There　were　moments　when　I　held　and　kissed　them；　when　something　within　me
melted：　moments　when　I　was　away　from　them；　and　thought　of　them。　　But
these　moments　did　not　last。　　The　something　within　me　hardened　again；　I
became　indifferent；　my　family　was　wiped　out　of　my　consciousness　as　though
it　had　never　existed。

There　was　Matthew；　for　instance；　the　oldest。　　When　he　arrived；　he　was　to
Maude　a　never…ending　miracle；　she　would　have　his　crib　brought　into　her
room；　and　I　would　find　her　leaning　over　the　bedside；　gazing　at　him　with　a
rapt　expression　beyond　my　comprehension。　　To　me　he　was　just　a　brick…red
morsel　of　humanity；　all　folds　and　wrinkles；　and　not　at　all　remarkable　in
any　way。　　Maude　used　to　annoy　me　by　getting　out　of　bed　in　the　middle　of
the　night　when　he　cried；　and　at　such　times　I　was　apt　to　wonder　at　the
odd　trick　the　life…force　had　played　me；　and　ask　myself　why　I　got　married
at　all。　　It　was　a　queer　method　of　carrying　on　the　race。　Later　on；　I　began
to　take　a　cursory　interest　in　him；　to　watch　for　signs　in　him　of　certain
characteristics　of　my　own　youth　which；　in　the　philosophy　of　my　manhood；　I
had　come　to　regard　as　defects。　　And　it　disturbed　me　somewhat　to　see　these
signs　appear。　　I　wished　him　to　be　what　I　had　become　by　force　of　willa
fighter。　　But　he　was　a　sensitive　child；　anxious　for　approval；　not　robust；
though　spiritual　rather　than　delicate；　even　in　comparative　infancy　he
cared　more　for　books　than　toys；　and　his　greatest　joy　was　in　being　read
to。　　In　spite　of　these　traitsperhaps　because　of　themthere　was　a
sympathy　between　us。　　From　the　time　that　he　could　talk　the　child　seemed
to　understand　me。　　Occasionally　I　surprised　him　gazing　at　me　with　a
certain　wistful　look　that　comes　back　to　me　as　I　write。

Moreton；　Tom　used　to　call　Alexander　the　Great　because　he　was　a　fighter
from　the　cradle；　beating　his　elder　brother；　too　considerate　to　strike
back；　and　likewisewhen　opportunity　offeredhis　sister；　and
appropriating　their　toys。　　A　self…sufficient；　doughty　young　man；　with　the
round　head　that　withstands　many　blows；　taking　by　nature　to　competition
and　buccaneering　in　general。　　I　did　not　love　him　half　so　much　as　I　did
Matthewif　such　intermittent　emotions　as　mine　may　be　called　love。　　It
was　a　standing　joke　of　minewhich　Maude　strongly　resentedthat　Moreton
resembled　Cousin　George　of　Elkington。

Imbued　with　the　highest　ambition　of　my　time；　I　had　set　my　barque　on　a
great　circle；　and　almost　before　I　realized　it　the　barque　was　burdened
with　a　wife　and　family　and　the　steering　had　insensibly　become　more
difficult；　for　Maude　cared　nothing　about　the　destination；　and　when　I　took
any　hand　off　the　wheel　our　ship　showed　a　tendency　to　make　for　a　quiet
harbour。　　Thus　the　social　initiative；　which　I　believed　should　have　been
the　woman's；　was　thrust　back　on　me。　　It　was　almost　incredible；　yet
indisputable；　in　a　day　when　most　American　women　were　credited　with　a
craving　for　social　ambition　that　I；　of　all　men；　should　have　married　a
wife　in　whom　the　craving　was　wholly　absent！　　She　might　have　had　what
other　women　would　have　given　their　souls　for。　　There　were　many　reasons
why　I　wished　her　to　take　what　I　deemed　her　proper　place　in　the　community
as　my　wifenot　that　I　cared　for　what　is　called　society　in　the　narrow
sense；　with　me；　it　was　a　logical　part　of　a　broader　scheme　of　life；　an
auxiliary　rather　than　an　essential；　but　a　needful　auxiliary；　a　means　of
dignifying　and　adorning　the　position　I　was　taking。　　Not　only　that；　but　I
felt　the　need　of　intercourseof　intercourse　of　a　lighter　and　more
convivial　nature　with　men　and　women　who　saw　life　as　I　saw　it。　　In　the
evenings　when　we　did　not　go　out　into　that　world　our　city　afforded　ennui
took　possession　of　me：　I　had　never　learned　to　care　for　books；　I　had　no
resources　outside　of　my　profession；　and　when　I　was　not　working　on　some
legal　problem　I　dawdled　over　the　newspapers　and　went　to　bed。　　I　don't
mean　to　imply　that　our　existence；　outside　of　our　continued　intimacy　with
the　Peterses　and　the　Blackwoods；　was　socially　isolated。　　We　gave　little
dinners　that　Maude　carried　out　with　skill　and　taste；　but　it　was　I　who
suggested　them；　we　went　out　to　other　dinners；　sometimes　to　Nancy's
though　we　saw　less　and　less　of　hersometimes　to　other　houses。　　But　Maude
had　given　evidence　of　domestic　tastes　and　a　disinclination　for　gaiety
that　those　who　entertained　more　were　not　slow　to　sense。　　I　should　have
liked　to　take　a　larger　house；　but　I　felt　the　futility　of　suggesting　it；
the　children　were　still　small；　and　she　was　occupied　with　them。　　Meanwhile
I　beheld；　and　at　times　with　considerable　irritation；　the　social　world
changing；　growing　larger　and　more　significant；　a　more　important　function
of　that　higher　phase　of　American　existence　the　new　century　seemed
definitely　to　have　initiated。　　A　segregative　process　was　away　to　which
Maude　was　wholly　indifferent。　　Our　city　was　throwing　off　its　social
conservatism；　wealth　（which　implied　ability　and　superiority）　was　playing
a　greater　part；　entertainments　were　more　luxurious；　lines　more　strictly
drawn。　　We　had　an　elaborate　country　club　for　those　who　could　afford
expensive　amusements。　　Much　of　this　transformation　had　been　due　to　the
initiative　and　leadership　of　Nancy　Durrett。。。。

Great　and　sudden　wealth；　however；　if　combined　with　obscure　antecedents
and　questionable　qualifications；　was　still　looked　upon　askance。　　In　spite
of　the　fact　that　Adolf　Scherer　had　〃put　us　on　the　map；〃　the　family　of　the
great　iron…master　still　remained　outside　of　the　social　pale。　　He　himself
might　have　entered　had　it　not　been　for　his　wife；　who　was　supposed　to　be
〃queer；〃　who　remained　at　home　in　her　house　opposite　Gallatin　Park　and
made　little　German　cakes；a　huge　house　which　an　unknown　architect　had
taken　unusual　pains　to　make　pretentious　and　hideous；　for　it　was　Rhenish；
Moorish　and　Victorian　by　turns。　　Its　geometric　grounds　matched　those　of
the　park；　itself　a　monument　to　bad　taste　in　landscape。　　The　neighbourhood
was　highly　respectable；　and　inhabited　b