the lily of the valley(幽谷百合)- 第4部分

When　I　reached　home；　my　two　sisters；　who　did　not　know　me；　showed　more
surprise　than　tenderness。　Afterwards；　however；　they　seemed；　by
comparison；　to　be　full　of　kindness　towards　me。　I　was　given　a　room　on
the　third　story。　You　will　understand　the　extent　of　my　hardships　when　I
tell　you　that　my　mother　left　me；　a　young　man　of　twenty；　without　other
linen　than　my　miserable　school　outfit；　or　any　other　outside　clothes
than　those　I　had　long　worn　in　Paris。　If　I　ran　from　one　end　of　the　room
to　the　other　to　pick　up　her　handkerchief；　she　took　it　with　the　cold
thanks　a　lady　gives　to　her　footman。　Driven　to　watch　her　to　find　if
there　were　any　soft　spot　where　I　could　fasten　the　rootlets　of
affection；　I　came　to　see　her　as　she　was；a　tall；　spare　woman；　given
to　cards；　egotistical　and　insolent；　like　all　the　Listomeres；　who　count
insolence　as　part　of　their　dowry。　She　saw　nothing　in　life　except
duties　to　be　fulfilled。　All　cold　women　whom　I　have　known　made；　as　she
did；　a　religion　of　duty；　she　received　our　homage　as　a　priest　receives
the　incense　of　the　mass。　My　elder　brother　appeared　to　absorb　the
trifling　sentiment　of　maternity　which　was　in　her　nature。　She　stabbed
us　constantly　with　her　sharp　irony；the　weapon　of　those　who　have　no
heart；and　which　she　used　against　us；　who　could　make　her　no　reply。

Notwithstanding　these　thorny　hindrances；　the　instinctive　sentiments
have　so　many　roots；　the　religious　fear　inspired　by　a　mother　whom　it　is
dangerous　to　displease　holds　by　so　many　threads；　that　the　sublime
mistakeif　I　may　so　call　itof　our　love　for　our　mother　lasted　until
the　day；　much　later　in　our　lives；　when　we　judged　her　finally。　This
terrible　despotism　drove　from　my　mind　all　thoughts　of　the　voluptuous
enjoyments　I　had　dreamed　of　finding　at　Tours。　In　despair　I　took　refuge
in　my　father's　library；　where　I　set　myself　to　read　every　book　I　did
not　know。　These　long　periods　of　hard　study　saved　me　from　contact　with
my　mother；　but　they　aggravated　the　dangers　of　my　moral　condition。
Sometimes　my　eldest　sistershe　who　afterwards　married　our　cousin；　the
Marquis　de　Listomeretried　to　comfort　me；　without；　however；　being
able　to　calm　the　irritation　to　which　I　was　a　victim。　I　desired　to　die。

Great　events；　of　which　I　knew　nothing；　were　then　in　preparation。　The
Duc　d'Angouleme；　who　had　left　Bordeaux　to　join　Louis　XVIII。　in　Paris；
was　received　in　every　town　through　which　he　passed　with　ovations
inspired　by　the　enthusiasm　felt　throughout　old　France　at　the　return　of
the　Bourbons。　Touraine　was　aroused　for　its　legitimate　princes；　the
town　itself　was　in　a　flutter；　every　window　decorated；　the　inhabitants
in　their　Sunday　clothes；　a　festival　in　preparation；　and　that　nameless
excitement　in　the　air　which　intoxicates；　and　which　gave　me　a　strong
desire　to　be　present　at　the　ball　given　by　the　duke。　When　I　summoned
courage　to　make　this　request　of　my　mother；　who　was　too　ill　to　go
herself；　she　became　extremely　angry。　〃Had　I　come　from　Congo？〃　she
inquired。　〃How　could　I　suppose　that　our　family　would　not　be
represented　at　the　ball？　In　the　absence　of　my　father　and　brother；　of
course　it　was　my　duty　to　be　present。　Had　I　no　mother？　Was　she　not
always　thinking　of　the　welfare　of　her　children？〃

In　a　moment　the　semi…disinherited　son　had　become　a　personage！　I　was
more　dumfounded　by　my　importance　than　by　the　deluge　of　ironical
reasoning　with　which　my　mother　received　my　request。　I　questioned　my
sisters；　and　then　discovered　that　my　mother；　who　liked　such　theatrical
plots；　was　already　attending　to　my　clothes。　The　tailors　in　Tours　were
fully　occupied　by　the　sudden　demands　of　their　regular　customers；　and
my　mother　was　forced　to　employ　her　usual　seamstress；　whoaccording　to
provincial　customcould　do　all　kinds　of　sewing。　A　bottle…blue　coat
had　been　secretly　made　for　me；　after　a　fashion；　and　silk　stockings　and
pumps　provided；　waistcoats　were　then　worn　short；　so　that　I　could　wear
one　of　my　father's；　and　for　the　first　time　in　my　life　I　had　a　shirt
with　a　frill；　the　pleatings　of　which　puffed　out　my　chest　and　were
gathered　in　to　the　knot　of　my　cravat。　When　dressed　in　this　apparel　I
looked　so　little　like　myself　that　my　sister's　compliments　nerved　me　to
face　all　Touraine　at　the　ball。　But　it　was　a　bold　enterprise。　Thanks　to
my　slimness　I　slipped　into　a　tent　set　up　in　the　gardens　of　the　Papion
house；　and　found　a　place　close　to　the　armchair　in　which　the　duke　was
seated。　Instantly　I　was　suffocated　by　the　heat；　and　dazzled　by　the
lights；　the　scarlet　draperies；　the　gilded　ornaments；　the　dresses；　and
the　diamonds　of　the　first　public　ball　I　had　ever　witnessed。　I　was
pushed　hither　and　thither　by　a　mass　of　men　and　women；　who　hustled　each
other　in　a　cloud　of　dust。　The　brazen　clash　of　military　music　was
drowned　in　the　hurrahs　and　acclamations　of　〃Long　live　the　Duc
d'Angouleme！　Long　live　the　King！　Long　live　the　Bourbons！〃　The　ball　was
an　outburst　of　pent…up　enthusiasm；　where　each　man　endeavored　to　outdo
the　rest　in　his　fierce　haste　to　worship　the　rising　sun；an　exhibition
of　partisan　greed　which　left　me　unmoved；　or　rather；　it　disgusted　me
and　drove　me　back　within　myself。

Swept　onward　like　a　straw　in　the　whirlwind；　I　was　seized　with　a
childish　desire　to　be　the　Duc　d'Angouleme　himself；　to　be　one　of　these
princes　parading　before　an　awed　assemblage。　This　silly　fancy　of　a
Tourangean　lad　roused　an　ambition　to　which　my　nature　and　the
surrounding　circumstances　lent　dignity。　Who　would　not　envy　such
worship？a　magnificent　repetition　of　which　I　saw　a　few　months　later；
when　all　Paris　rushed　to　the　feet　of　the　Emperor　on　his　return　from
Elba。　The　sense　of　this　dominion　exercised　over　the　masses；　whose
feelings　and　whose　very　life　are　thus　merged　into　one　soul；　dedicated
me　then　and　thenceforth　to　glory；　that　priestess　who　slaughters　the
Frenchmen　of　to…day　as　the　Druidess　once　sacrificed　the　Gauls。

Suddenly　I　met　the　woman　who　was　destined　to　spur　these　ambitious
desires　and　to　crown　them　by　sending　me　into　the　heart　of　royalty。　Too
timid　to　ask　any　one　to　dance；fearing；　moreover；　to　confuse　the
figures；I　naturally　became　very　awkward；　and　did　not　know　what　to　do
with　my　arms　and　legs。　Just　as　I　was　suffering　severely　from　the
pressure　of　the　crowd　an　officer　stepped　on　my　feet；　swollen　by　the
new　leather　of　my　shoes　as　well　as　by　the　heat。　This　disgusted　me　with
the　whole　affair。　It　was　impossible　to　get　away；　but　I　took　refuge　in
a　corner　of　a　room　at　the　end　of　an　empty　bench；　where　I　sat　with
fixed　eyes；　motionless　and　sullen。　Misled　by　my　puny　appearance；　a
womantaking　me　for　a　sleepy　childslid　softly　into　the　place　beside
me；　with　the　motion　of　a　bird　as　she　drops　upon　her　nest。　Instantly　I
breathed　the　woman…atmosphere；　which　irradiated　my　soul　as；　in　after
days；　oriental　poesy　has　shone　there。　I　looked　at　my　neighbor；　and　was
more　dazzled　by　that　vision　than　I　had　been　by　the　scene　of　the　fete。

If　you　have　understood　this　history　of　my　early　life　you　will　guess
the　feelings　which　now　welled　up　within　me。　My　eyes　rested　suddenly　on
white；　rounded　shoulders　where　I　would　fain　have　laid　my　head；
shoulders　faintly　rosy；　which　seemed　to　blush　as　if　uncovered　for　the
first　time；　modest　shoulders；　that　possessed　a　soul；　and　reflected
light　from　their　satin　surface　as　from　a　silken　texture。　These
shoulders　were　parted　by　a　line　along　which　my　eyes　wandered。　I　raised
myself　to　see　the　bust　and　was　spell…bound　by　the　beauty　of　the　bosom；
chastely　covered　with　gauze；　where　blue…veined　globes　of　perfect
outline　were　softly　hidden　in　waves　of　lace。　The　slightest　details　of
the　head　were　each　and　all　enchantments　which　awakened　infinite
delights　within　me；　the　brilliancy　of　the　hair　laid　smoothly　above　a
neck　as　soft　and　velvety　as　a　child's；　the　white　lines　drawn　by　the
comb　where　my　imagination　ran　as　along　a　dewy　path；all　these　things
put　me；　as　it　were；　beside　myself。　Glancing　round　to　be　sure　that　no
one　saw　me；　I　threw　myself　upon　those　shoulders　as　a　child　upon　the
breast　of　its　mother；　kissing　them　as　I　laid　my　head　there。　The　woman
uttered　a　piercing　cry；　which　the　noise　of　the　music　drowned；　she
turned；　saw　me；　and　exclaimed；　〃Monsieur！〃　Ah！　had　she　said；　〃My
little　lad；　what　possesses　you？〃　I　might　have　killed　her；　but　at　the
word　〃Monsieur！〃　hot　tears　fell　from　my　eyes。　I　was　petrified　by　a
glance　of　saintly　anger；　by　a　noble　face　crowned　with　a　diadem　of
golden　hair　in　harmony　with　the　shoulders　I　adored。　The　crimson　of
offended　modesty　glowed　on　her　cheeks；　though　already　it　was　appeased
by　the　pardoning　instinct　of　a　woman　who　comprehends　a　frenzy　which
she　inspires；　and　divines　the　infinite　adoration　of　those　repentant
tears。　She　moved　away　with　the　step　and　carriage　of　a　queen。

I　then　felt　the　ridicule　of　my　position；　for　the　first　time　I　realized
that　I　was　dressed　like　the　monkey　of　a　barrel　organ。　I　was　ashamed。
There　I　stood；　stupefied；tasting　the　fruit　that　I　had　stolen；
conscious　of　the　warmth　upon　my　lips；　repenting　not；　and　following
with　my　eyes　the　woman　who　had　come　down　to　me　from　heaven。　Sick　with
the　first　fever　of　the　heart　I　wandered　through　the　rooms；　unable　to
find　mine　Unknown；　until　at　last　I　went　home　to　bed；　another　man。

A　new　soul；　a　soul　with　rainbow　wings；　had　burst　its　chrysalis。