he bore rude weapons； and knew something of art； that he imagined he had
a soul； and pleased himself with the fancy that it was immortal。 But let
us not laugh； there may be creatures in existence to whom we and our
vanities and profundities may seem as ludicrous。〃
END OF PART SECOND
SOME LEARNED FABLES FOR GOOD OLD BOYS AND GIRLS
PART THIRD
Near the margin of the great river the scientists presently found a huge；
shapely stone； with this inscription：
〃In 1847； in the spring； the river overflowed its banks and covered
the whole township。 The depth was from two to six feet。 More than
900 head of cattle were lost； and many homes destroyed。 The Mayor
ordered this memorial to be erected to perpetuate the event。 God
spare us the repetition of it！〃
With infinite trouble； Professor Woodlouse succeeded in making a
translation of this inscription； which was sent home； and straightway an
enormous excitement was created about it。 It confirmed； in a remarkable
way； certain treasured traditions of the ancients。 The translation was
slightly marred by one or two untranslatable words； but these did not
impair the general clearness of the meaning。 It is here presented：
〃One thousand eight hundred and forty…seven years ago； the （fires？）
descended and consumed the whole city。 Only some nine hundred souls
were saved； all others destroyed。 The （king？） commanded this stone
to be set up to 。 。 。 （untranslatable） 。 。 。 prevent the
repetition of it。〃
This was the first successful and satisfactory translation that had been
made of the mysterious character let behind him by extinct man； and it
gave Professor Woodlouse such reputation that at once every seat of
learning in his native land conferred a degree of the most illustrious
grade upon him； and it was believed that if he had been a soldier and had
turned his splendid talents to the extermination of a remote tribe of
reptiles； the king would have ennobled him and made him rich。 And this；
too； was the origin of that school of scientists called Manologists；
whose specialty is the deciphering of the ancient records of the extinct
bird termed Man。 ＇For it is now decided that Man was a bird and not a
reptile。＇ But Professor Woodlouse began and remained chief of these； for
it was granted that no translations were ever so free from error as his。
Others made mistakes he seemed incapable of it。 Many a memorial of the
lost race was afterward found； but none ever attained to the renown and
veneration achieved by the 〃Mayoritish Stone〃it being so called from the
word 〃Mayor〃 in it； which； being translated 〃King；〃 〃Mayoritish Stone〃
was but another way of saying 〃King Stone。〃
Another time the expedition made a great 〃find。〃 It was a vast round
flattish mass； ten frog…spans in diameter and five or six high。
Professor Snail put on his spectacles and examined it all around； and
then climbed up and inspected the top。 He said：
〃The result of my perlustration and perscontation of this isoperimetrical
protuberance is a belief at it is one of those rare and wonderful
creation left by the Mound Builders。 The fact that this one is
lamellibranchiate in its formation； simply adds to its interest as being
possibly of a different kind from any we read of in the records of
science； but yet in no manner marring its authenticity。 Let the
megalophonous grasshopper sound a blast and summon hither the perfunctory
and circumforaneous Tumble…Bug； to the end that excavations may be made
and learning gather new treasures。〃
Not a Tumble…Bug could be found on duty； so the Mound was excavated by a
working party of Ants。 Nothing was discovered。 This would have been a
great disappointment； had not the venerable Longlegs explained the
matter。 He said：
〃It is now plain to me that the mysterious and forgotten race of Mound
Builders did not always erect these edifices as mausoleums； else in this
case； as in all previous cases； their skeletons would be found here；
along with the rude implements which the creatures used in life。 Is not
this manifest？〃
〃True！ true！〃 from everybody。
〃Then we have made a discovery of peculiar value here； a discovery which
greatly extends our knowledge of this creature in place of diminishing
it； a discovery which will add luster to the achievements of this
expedition and win for us the commendations of scholars everywhere。
For the absence of the customary relics here means nothing less than
this： The Mound Builder； instead of being the ignorant； savage reptile we
have been taught to consider him； was a creature of cultivation and high
intelligence； capable of not only appreciating worthy achievements of the
great and noble of his species； but of commemorating them！ Fellow…
scholars； this stately Mound is not a sepulcher； it is a monument！〃
A profound impression was produced by this。
But it was interrupted by rude and derisive laughterand the Tumble…Bug
appeared。
〃A monument！〃 quoth he。 〃A monument setup by a Mound Builder！ Aye； so
it is！ So it is； indeed； to the shrewd keen eye of science； but to an；
ignorant poor devil who has never seen a college； it is not a Monument；
strictly speaking； but is yet a most rich and noble property； and with
your worship's good permission I will proceed to manufacture it into
spheres of exceedings grace and〃
The Tumble…Bug was driven away with stripes； and the draftsmen of the
expedition were set to making views of the Monument from different
standpoints； while Professor Woodlouse； in a frenzy of scientific zeal；
traveled all over it and all around it hoping to find an inscription。
But if there had ever been one； it had decayed or been removed by some
vandal as a relic。
The views having been completed； it was now considered safe to load the
precious Monument itself upon the backs of four of the largest Tortoises
and send it home to the king's museum； which was done； and when it
arrived it was received with enormous Mat and escorted to its future
abiding…place by thousands of enthusiastic citizens； King Bullfrog XVI。
himself attending and condescending to sit enthroned upon it throughout
the progress。
The growing rigor of the weather was now admonishing the scientists to
close their labors for the present； so they made preparations to journey
homeward。 But even their last day among the Caverns bore fruit； for one
of the scholars found in an out…of…the…way corner of the Museum or
〃Burial Place〃 a most strange and extraordinary thing。 It was nothing
less than a double Man…Bird lashed together breast to breast by a natural
ligament； and labeled with the untranslatable words； 〃Siamese Twins。〃
The official report concerning this thing closed thus：
〃Wherefore it appears that there were in old times two distinct species
of this majestic fowl； the one being single and the other double。 Nature
has a reason for all things。 It is plain to the eye of science that the
Double…Man originally inhabited a region where dangers abounded； hence he
was paired together to the end that while one part slept the other might
watch； and likewise that； danger being discovered； there might always be
a double instead of a single power to oppose it。 All honor to the
mystery…dispelling eye of godlike Science！〃
And near the Double Man…Bird was found what was plainly an ancient record
of his； marked upon numberless sheets of a thin white substance and bound
together。 Almost the first glance that Professor Woodlouse threw into it
revealed this following sentence； which he instantly translated and laid
before the scientists； in a tremble； and it uplifted every soul there
with exultation and astonishment：
〃In truth it is believed by many that the lower animals reason and talk
together。〃
When the great official report of the expedition appeared； the above
sentence bore this comment：
〃Then there are lower animals than Man！ This remarkable passage can mean
nothing else。 Man himself is extinct； but they may still exist。 What
can they be？ Where do they inhabit？ One's enthusiasm bursts all bounds
in the contemplation of the brilliant field of discovery and
investigation here thrown open to science。 We close our labors with the
humble prayer that your Majesty will immediately appoint a commission and
command it to rest not nor spare expense until the search for this
hitherto unsuspected race of the creatures of God shall be crowned with
success。〃
The expedition then journeyed homeward after its long absence and its
faithful endeavors； and was received with a mighty ovation by the whole
grateful country。 There were vulgar； ignorant carpers； of course； as
there always are and always will be； and naturally one of these was the
obscene Tumble…Bug。 He said that all he had learned by his travels was
that science only needed a spoonful of supposition to build a mountain of
demonstrated fact out of； and that for the future he meant to be content
with the knowledge that nature had made free to all creatures and not go
prying into the august secrets of the Deity。
MY LATE SENATORIAL SECRETARYSHIP ＇Written about 1867。＇
I am not a private secretary