three men in a boat- 第5部分

Then　he'd　get　up；　and　find　that　he　had　been　sitting　on　it；　and　would　call　

out：



〃Oh；　you　can　give　it　up！　　I've　found　it　myself　now。　　Might　just　as　well　

ask　the　cat　to　find　anything　as　expect　you　people　to　find　it。〃



And；　when　half　an　hour　had　been　spent　in　tying　up　his　finger；　and　a　new　

glass　had　been　got；　and　the　tools；　and　the　ladder；　and　the　chair；　and　the　

candle　had　been　brought；　he　would　have　another　go；　the　whole　family；　

including　the　girl　and　the　charwoman；　standing　round　in　a　semi…circle；　

ready　to　help。　　Two　people　would　have　to　hold　the　chair；　and　a　third　

would　help　him　up　on　it；　and　hold　him　there；　and　a　fourth　would　hand　him　

a　nail；　and　a　fifth　would　pass　him　up　the　hammer；　and　he　would　take　hold　

of　the　nail；　and　drop　it。



〃There！〃　he　would　say；　in　an　injured　tone；　〃now　the　nail's　gone。〃



And　we　would　all　have　to　go　down　on　our　knees　and　grovel　for　it；　while　he　

would　stand　on　the　chair；　and　grunt；　and　want　to　know　if　he　was　to　be　

kept　there　all　the　evening。



The　nail　would　be　found　at　last；　but　by　that　time　he　would　have　lost　the　

hammer。



〃Where's　the　hammer？　　What　did　I　do　with　the　hammer？　　Great　heavens！　　

Seven　of　you；　gaping　round　there；　and　you　don't　know　what　I　did　with　the　

hammer！〃



We　would　find　the　hammer　for　him；　and　then　he　would　have　lost　sight　of　

the　mark　he　had　made　on　the　wall；　where　the　nail　was　to　go　in；　and　each　

of　us　had　to　get　up　on　the　chair；　beside　him；　and　see　if　we　could　find　

it；　and　we　would　each　discover　it　in　a　different　place；　and　he　would　call　

us　all　fools；　one　after　another；　and　tell　us　to　get　down。　　And　he　would　

take　the　rule；　and　re…measure；　and　find　that　he　wanted　half　thirty…one　

and　three…eighths　inches　from　the　corner；　and　would　try　to　do　it　in　his　

head；　and　go　mad。



And　we　would　all　try　to　do　it　in　our　heads；　and　all　arrive　at　different　

results；　and　sneer　at　one　another。　　And　in　the　general　row；　the　original　

number　would　be　forgotten；　and　Uncle　Podger　would　have　to　measure　it　

again。



He　would　use　a　bit　of　string　this　time；　and　at　the　critical　moment；　when　

the　old　fool　was　leaning　over　the　chair　at　an　angle　of　forty…five；　and　

trying　to　reach　a　point　three　inches　beyond　what　was　possible　for　him　to　

reach；　the　string　would　slip；　and　down　he　would　slide　on　to　the　piano；　a　

really　fine　musical　effect　being　produced　by　the　suddenness　with　which　

his　head　and　body　struck　all　the　notes　at　the　same　time。



And　Aunt　Maria　would　say　that　she　would　not　allow　the　children　to　stand　

round　and　hear　such　language。



At　last；　Uncle　Podger　would　get　the　spot　fixed　again；　and　put　the　point　

of　the　nail　on　it　with　his　left　hand；　and　take　the　hammer　in　his　right　

hand。　　And；　with　the　first　blow；　he　would　smash　his　thumb；　and　drop　the　

hammer；　with　a　yell；　on　somebody's　toes。



Aunt　Maria　would　mildly　observe　that；　next　time　Uncle　Podger　was　going　to　

hammer　a　nail　into　the　wall；　she　hoped　he'd　let　her　know　in　time；　so　that　

she　could　make　arrangements　to　go　and　spend　a　week　with　her　mother　while　

it　was　being　done。



〃Oh！　you　women；　you　make　such　a　fuss　over　everything；〃　Uncle　Podger　would　

reply；　picking　himself　up。　　〃Why；　I　LIKE　doing　a　little　job　of　this　

sort。〃



And　then　he　would　have　another　try；　and；　at　the　second　blow；　the　nail　

would　go　clean　through　the　plaster；　and　half　the　hammer　after　it；　and　

Uncle　Podger　be　precipitated　against　the　wall　with　force　nearly　

sufficient　to　flatten　his　nose。



Then　we　had　to　find　the　rule　and　the　string　again；　and　a　new　hole　was　

made；　and；　about　midnight；　the　picture　would　be　up　…　very　crooked　and　

insecure；　the　wall　for　yards　round　looking　as　if　it　had　been　smoothed　

down　with　a　rake；　and　everybody　dead　beat　and　wretched　…　except　Uncle　

Podger。



〃There　you　are；〃　he　would　say；　stepping　heavily　off　the　chair　on　to　the　

charwoman's　corns；　and　surveying　the　mess　he　had　made　with　evident　pride。　　

〃Why；　some　people　would　have　had　a　man　in　to　do　a　little　thing　like　

that！〃



Harris　will　be　just　that　sort　of　man　when　he　grows　up；　I　know；　and　I　told　

him　so。　　I　said　I　could　not　permit　him　to　take　so　much　labour　upon　

himself。　　I　said：



〃No；　YOU　get　the　paper；　and　the　pencil；　and　the　catalogue；　and　George　

write　down；　and　I'll　do　the　work。〃



The　first　list　we　made　out　had　to　be　discarded。　　It　was　clear　that　the　

upper　reaches　of　the　Thames　would　not　allow　of　the　navigation　of　a　boat　

sufficiently　large　to　take　the　things　we　had　set　down　as　indispensable；　

so　we　tore　the　list　up；　and　looked　at　one　another！



George　said：



〃You　know　we　are　on　a　wrong　track　altogether。　　We　must　not　think　of　the　

things　we　could　do　with；　but　only　of　the　things　that　we　can't　do　

without。〃



George　comes　out　really　quite　sensible　at　times。　　You'd　be　surprised。　　I　

call　that　downright　wisdom；　not　merely　as　regards　the　present　case；　but　

with　reference　to　our　trip　up　the　river　of　life；　generally。　　How　many　

people；　on　that　voyage；　load　up　the　boat　till　it　is　ever　in　danger　of　

swamping　with　a　store　of　foolish　things　which　they　think　essential　to　the　

pleasure　and　comfort　of　the　trip；　but　which　are　really　only　useless　

lumber。



How　they　pile　the　poor　little　craft　mast…high　with　fine　clothes　and　big　

houses；　with　useless　servants；　and　a　host　of　swell　friends　that　do　not　

care　twopence　for　them；　and　that　they　do　not　care　three　ha'pence　for；　

with　expensive　entertainments　that　nobody　enjoys；　with　formalities　and　

fashions；　with　pretence　and　ostentation；　and　with　…　oh；　heaviest；　maddest　

lumber　of　all！　…　the　dread　of　what　will　my　neighbour　think；　with　luxuries　

that　only　cloy；　with　pleasures　that　bore；　with　empty　show　that；　like　the　

criminal's　iron　crown　of　yore；　makes　to　bleed　and　swoon　the　aching　head　

that　wears　it！



It　is　lumber；　man　…　all　lumber！　　Throw　it　overboard。　　It　makes　the　boat　

so　heavy　to　pull；　you　nearly　faint　at　the　oars。　　It　makes　it　so　

cumbersome　and　dangerous　to　manage；　you　never　know　a　moment's　freedom　

from　anxiety　and　care；　never　gain　a　moment's　rest　for　dreamy　laziness　…　

no　time　to　watch　the　windy　shadows　skimming　lightly　o'er　the　shallows；　or　

the　glittering　sunbeams　flitting　in　and　out　among　the　ripples；　or　the　

great　trees　by　the　margin　looking　down　at　their　own　image；　or　the　woods　

all　green　and　golden；　or　the　lilies　white　and　yellow；　or　the　sombre…

waving　rushes；　or　the　sedges；　or　the　orchis；　or　the　blue　forget…me…nots。



Throw　the　lumber　over；　man！　　Let　your　boat　of　life　be　light；　packed　with　

only　what　you　need　…　a　homely　home　and　simple　pleasures；　one　or　two　

friends；　worth　the　name；　someone　to　love　and　someone　to　love　you；　a　cat；　

a　dog；　and　a　pipe　or　two；　enough　to　eat　and　enough　to　wear；　and　a　little　

more　than　enough　to　drink；　for　thirst　is　a　dangerous　thing。



You　will　find　the　boat　easier　to　pull　then；　and　it　will　not　be　so　liable　

to　upset；　and　it　will　not　matter　so　much　if　it　does　upset；　good；　plain　

merchandise　will　stand　water。　　You　will　have　time　to　think　as　well　as　to　

work。　　Time　to　drink　in　life's　sunshine　…　time　to　listen　to　the　AEolian　

music　that　the　wind　of　God　draws　from　the　human　heart…strings　around　us　…　

time　to　…



I　beg　your　pardon；　really。　　I　quite　forgot。



Well；　we　left　the　list　to　George；　and　he　began　it。



〃We　won't　take　a　tent；　suggested　George；　〃we　will　have　a　boat　with　a　

cover。　　It　is　ever　so　much　simpler；　and　more　comfortable。〃



It　seemed　a　good　thought；　and　we　adopted　it。　　I　do　not　know　whether　you　

have　ever　seen　the　thing　I　mean。　　You　fix　iron　hoops　up　over　the　boat；　

and　stretch　a　huge　canvas　over　them；　and　fasten　it　down　all　round；　from　

stem　to　stern；　and　it　converts　the　boat　into　a　sort　of　little　house；　and　

it　is　beautifully　cosy；　though　a　trifle　stuffy；　but　there；　everything　has　

its　drawbacks；　as　the　man　said　when　his　mother…in…law　died；　and　they　came　

down　upon　him　for　the　funeral　expenses。



George　said　that　in　that　case　we　must　take　a　rug　each；　a　lamp；　some　soap；　

a　brush　and　comb　（between　us）；　a　toothbrush　（each）；　a　basin；　some　tooth…

powder；　some　shaving　tackle　（sounds　like　a　French　exercise；　doesn't　it？）；　

and　a　couple　of　big…towels　for　bathing。　　I　notice　that　people　always　make　

gigantic　arrangements　for　bathing　when　they　are　going　anywhere　near　the　

water；　but　that　they　don't　bathe　much　when　they　are　there。



It　is　the　same　when　you　go　to　the　sea…side。　　I　always　determine　…　when　

thinking　over　the　matter　in　London　…　that　I'll　get　up　early　every　

morning；　and　go　and　have　a　dip　before　breakfast；　and　I　religiously　pack　

up　a　pair　of　drawers　and　a　bath　towel。　　I　always　get　red　bathing　drawers。　　

I　rather　fancy　myself　in　red　drawers。　　They　suit　my　complexion　so。　　But　

when　I　get　to　the　sea　I　don't　feel　somehow　that　I　want　that　early　morning　

bathe　nearly　so　much　as　I　did　when　I　was　in　town。



On　the　contrary；　I　feel　more　that　I　want　to　stop　in　bed　till　the　last　

moment；　and　then　come　down　and　have　my　breakfast