liber amoris- 第14部分

（In　continuation）


My　dear　Friend；　The　next　day　I　felt　almost　as　sailors　must　do　after　a　violent　storm　over…night；　that　has　subsided　towards　daybreak。　　The　morning　was　a　dull　and　stupid　calm；　and　I　found　she　was　unwell；　in　consequence　of　what　had　happened。　　In　the　evening　I　grew　more　uneasy；　and　determined　on　going　into　the　country　for　a　week　or　two。　　I　gathered　up　the　fragments　of　the　locket　of　her　hair；　and　the　little　bronze　statue；　which　were　strewed　about　the　floor；　kissed　them；　folded　them　up　in　a　sheet　of　paper；　and　sent　them　to　her；　with　these　lines　written　in　pencil　on　the　outside〃Pieces　of　a　broken　heart；　to　be　kept　in　remembrance　of　the　unhappy。　　Farewell。〃　　No　notice　was　taken；　nor　did　I　expect　any。　　The　following　morning　I　requested　Betsey　to　pack　up　my　box　for　me；　as　I　should　go　out　of　town　the　next　day；　and　at　the　same　time　wrote　a　note　to　her　sister　to　say；　I　should　take　it　as　a　favour　if　she　would　please　to　accept　of　the　enclosed　copies　of　the　Vicar　of　Wakefield；　The　Man　of　Feeling　and　Nature　and　Art；　in　lieu　of　three　volumes　of　my　own　writings；　which　I　had　given　her　on　different　occasions；　in　the　course　of　our　acquaintance。　　I　was　piqued；　in　fact；　that　she　should　have　these　to　shew　as　proofs　of　my　weakness；　and　as　if　I　thought　the　way　to　win　her　was　by　plaguing　her　with　my　own　performances。

She　sent　me　word　back　that　the　books　I　had　sent　were　of　no　use　to　her；　and　that　I　should　have　those　I　wished　for　in　the　afternoon；　but　that　she　could　not　before；　as　she　had　lent　them　to　her　sister；　Mrs。　M…。　　I　said；　〃very　well；〃　but　observed　（laughing）　to　Betsey；　〃It's　a　bad　rule　to　give　and　take；　so；　if　Sarah　won't　have　these　books；　you　must；　they　are　very　pretty　ones；　I　assure　you。〃　　She　curtsied　and　took　them；　according　to　the　family　custom。　　In　the　afternoon；　when　I　came　back　to　tea；　I　found　the　little　girl　on　her　knees；　busy　in　packing　up　my　things；　and　a　large　paper　parcel　on　the　table；　which　I　could　not　at　first　tell　what　to　make　of。　　On　opening　it；　however；　I　soon　found　what　it　was。　　It　contained　a　number　of　volumes　which　I　had　given　her　at　different　times　（among　others；　a　little　Prayer…Book；　bound　in　crimson　velvet；　with　green　silk　linings；　she　kissed　it　twenty　times　when　she　received　it；　and　said　it　was　the　prettiest　present　in　the　world；　and　that　she　would　shew　it　to　her　aunt；　who　would　be　proud　of　it）and　all　these　she　had　returned　together。　　Her　name　in　the　title…page　was　cut　out　of　them　all。　　I　doubted　at　the　instant　whether　she　had　done　this　before　or　after　I　had　sent　for　them　back；　and　I　have　doubted　of　it　since；　but　there　is　no　occasion　to　suppose　her　UGLY　ALL　OVER　WITH　HYPOCRISY。　　Poor　little　thing！　　She　has　enough　to　answer　for；　as　it　is。　　I　asked　Betsey　if　she　could　carry　a　message　for　me；　and　she　said　〃YES。〃　　〃Will　you　tell　your　sister；　then；　that　I　did　not　want　all　these　books；　and　give　my　love　to　her；　and　say　that　I　shall　be　obliged　if　she　will　still　keep　these　that　I　have　sent　back；　and　tell　her　that　it　is　only　those　of　my　own　writing　that　I　think　unworthy　of　her。〃　　What　do　you　think　the　little　imp　made　answer？　　She　raised　herself　on　the　other　side　of　the　table　where　she　stood；　as　if　inspired　by　the　genius　of　the　place；　and　said〃AND　THOSE　ARE　THE　ONES　THAT　SHE　PRIZES　THE　MOST！〃　　If　there　were　ever　words　spoken　that　could　revive　the　dead；　those　were　the　words。　　Let　me　kiss　them；　and　forget　that　my　ears　have　heard　aught　else！　　I　said；　〃Are　you　sure　of　that？〃　and　she　said；　〃Yes；　quite　sure。〃　　I　told　her；　〃If　I　could　be；　I　should　be　very　different　from　what　I　was。〃　　And　I　became　so　that　instant；　for　these　casual　words　carried　assurance　to　my　heart　of　her　esteemthat　once　implied；　I　had　proofs　enough　of　her　fondness。　　Oh！　how　I　felt　at　that　moment！　　Restored　to　love；　hope；　and　joy；　by　a　breath　which　I　had　caught　by　the　merest　accident；　and　which　I　might　have　pined　in　absence　and　mute　despair　for　want　of　hearing！　　I　did　not　know　how　to　contain　myself；　I　was　childish；　wanton；　drunk　with　pleasure。　　I　gave　Betsey　a　twenty…shilling　note　which　I　happened　to　have　in　my　hand；　and　on　her　asking　〃What's　this　for；　Sir？〃　I　said；　〃It's　for　you。　　Don't　you　think　it　worth　that　to　be　made　happy？　　You　once　made　me　very　wretched　by　some　words　I　heard　you　drop；　and　now　you　have　made　me　as　happy；　and　all　I　wish　you　is；　when　you　grow　up；　that　you　may　find　some　one　to　love　you　as　well　as　I　do　your　sister；　and　that　you　may　love　better　than　she　does　me！〃　　I　continued　in　this　state　of　delirium　or　dotage　all　that　day　and　the　next；　talked　incessantly；　laughed　at　every　thing；　and　was　so　extravagant；　nobody　could　tell　what　was　the　matter　with　me。　　I　murmured　her　name；　I　blest　her；　I　folded　her　to　my　heart　in　delicious　fondness；　I　called　her　by　my　own　name；　I　worshipped　her：　I　was　mad　for　her。　　I　told　P　I　should　laugh　in　her　face；　if　ever　she　pretended　not　to　like　me　again。　　Her　mother　came　in　and　said；　she　hoped　I　should　excuse　Sarah's　coming　up。　　〃Oh；　Ma'am；〃　I　said；　〃I　have　no　wish　to　see　her；　I　feel　her　at　my　heart；　she　does　not　hate　me　after　all；　and　I　wish　for　nothing。　　Let　her　come　when　she　will；　she　is　to　me　welcomer　than　light；　than　life；　but　let　it　be　in　her　own　sweet　time；　and　at　her　own　dear　pleasure。〃　　Betsey　also　told　me　she　was　〃so　glad　to　get　the　books　back。〃　　I；　however；　sobered　and　wavered　（by　degrees）　from　seeing　nothing　of　her；　day　after　day；　and　in　less　than　a　week　I　was　devoted　to　the　Infernal　Gods。　　I　could　hold　out　no　longer　than　the　Monday　evening　following。　　I　sent　a　message　to　her；　she　returned　an　ambiguous　answer；　but　she　came　up。　　Pity　me；　my　friend；　for　the　shame　of　this　recital。　　Pity　me　for　the　pain　of　having　ever　had　to　make　it！　　If　the　spirits　of　mortal　creatures；　purified　by　faith　and　hope；　can　（according　to　the　highest　assurances）　ever；　during　thousands　of　years　of　smooth…rolling　eternity　and　balmy；　sainted　repose；　forget　the　pain；　the　toil；　the　anguish；　the　helplessness；　and　the　despair　they　have　suffered　here；　in　this　frail　being；　then　may　I　forget　that　withering　hour；　and　her；　that　fair；　pale　form　that　entered；　my　inhuman　betrayer；　and　my　only　earthly　love！　　She　said；　〃Did　you　wish　to　speak　to　me；　Sir？〃　　I　said；　〃Yes；　may　I　not　speak　to　you？　　I　wanted　to　see　you　and　be　friends。〃　　I　rose　up；　offered　her　an　arm…chair　which　stood　facing；　bowed　on　it；　and　knelt　to　her　adoring。　　She　said　（going）　〃If　that's　all；　I　have　nothing　to　say。〃　　I　replied；　〃Why　do　you　treat　me　thus？　　What　have　I　done　to　become　thus　hateful　to　you？〃　　ANSWER；　〃I　always　told　you　I　had　no　affection　for　you。〃　　You　may　suppose　this　was　a　blow；　after　the　imaginary　honey…moon　in　which　I　had　passed　the　preceding　week。　　I　was　stunned　by　it；　my　heart　sunk　within　me。　　I　contrived　to　say；　〃Nay；　my　dear　girl；　not　always　neither；　for　did　you　not　once　（if　I　might　presume　to　look　back　to　those　happy；　happy　times）；　when　you　were　sitting　on　my　knee　as　usual；　embracing　and　embraced；　and　I　asked　if　you　could　not　love　me　at　last；　did　you　not　make　answer；　in　the　softest　tones　that　ever　man　heard；　'I　COULD　EASILY　SAY　SO；　WHETHER　I　DID　OR　NOT；　YOU　SHOULD　JUDGE　BY　MY　ACTIONS！'　　Was　I　to　blame　in　taking　you　at　your　word；　when　every　hope　I　had　depended　on　your　sincerity？　　And　did　you　not　say　since　I　came　back；　'YOUR　FEELINGS　TO　ME　WERE　THE　SAME　AS　EVER？'　　Why　then　is　your　behaviour　so　different？〃　　S。　　〃Is　it　nothing；　your　exposing　me　to　the　whole　house　in　the　way　you　did　the　other　evening？〃　　H。　　〃Nay；　that　was　the　consequence　of　your　cruel　reception　of　me；　not　the　cause　of　it。　　I　had　better　have　gone　away　last　year；　as　I　proposed　to　do；　unless　you　would　give　some　pledge　of　your　fidelity；　but　it　was　your　own　offer　that　I　should　remain。　　'Why　should　I　go？'　you　said；　'Why　could　we　not　go　on　the　same　as　we　had　done；　and　say　nothing　about　the　word　FOREVER？'〃　　S。　　〃And　how　did　you　behave　when　you　returned？〃　　H。　　〃That　was　all　forgiven　when　we　last　parted；　and　your　last　words　were；　'I　should　find　you　the　same　as　ever'　when　I　came　home？　　Did　you　not　that　very　day　enchant　and　madden　me　over　again　by　the　purest　kisses　and　embraces；　and　did　I　not　go　from　you　（as　I　said）　adoring；　confiding；　with　every　assurance　of　mutual　esteem　and　friendship？〃　　S。　　〃Yes；　and　in　your　absence　I　found　that　you　had　told　my　aunt　what　had　passed　between　us。〃　　H。　　〃It　was　to　induce　her　to　extort　your　real　sentiments　from　you；　that　you　might　no　longer　make　a　secret　of　your　true　regard　for　me；　which　your　actions　（but　not　your　words）　confessed。〃　　S。　　〃I　own　I　have　been　guilty　of　improprieties；　which　you　have　gone　and　repeated；　not　only　in　the　house；　but　out　of　it；　so　that　it　has　come　to　my　ears　from　various　quarters；　as　if　I　was　a　light　character。　　And　I　am　determined　in　future　to　be　guided　by　the　advice　of　my　relations；　and　particularly　of　my　aunt；　whom　I　consider　as　my　best　friend；　and　keep　every　lodger　at　a　proper　distance。〃　　You　will　find　hereafter　that　her　favourite　lodger；　whom　she　visits　daily；　had　left　the　house；　so　that　she　might　easily　make　and　keep　this　vow　of　extraordinary　self…denial。　　Precious　little　dissembler！　　Yet　her　aunt；　her　best　friend；　says；　〃No；　Sir；　no；　Sarah's　no　hypocrite！〃　which　I　was　fool　enough　to　believe；　and　yet　my　great　and　unpardonable　offence　is　to　have　entertained　passing　doubts　on　this　delicate　point。　　I　said；　Whatever　errors　I　had　committed；　arose　from