graduated with higher honor than you could to…day。 I never saw anything
like it。 Your observation that the horse…chestnut as an article of
commerce is steadily gaining in favor is simply calculated to destroy
this journal。 I want you to throw up your situation and go。 I want no
more holidayI could not enjoy it if I had it。 Certainly not with you
in my chair。 I would always stand in dread of what you might be going to
recommend next。 It makes me lose all patience every time I think of your
discussing oyster…beds under the head of 'Landscape Gardening。' I want
you to go。 Nothing on earth could persuade me to take another holiday。
Oh！ why didn't you tell me you didn't know anything about agriculture？〃
〃Tell you； you corn…stalk； you cabbage； you son of a cauliflower？ It's
the first time I ever heard such an unfeeling remark。 I tell you I have
been in the editorial business going on fourteen years； and it is the
first time I ever heard of a man's having to know anything in order to
edit a newspaper。 You turnip！ Who write the dramatic critiques for the
second…rate papers？ Why； a parcel of promoted shoemakers and apprentice
apothecaries； who know just as much about good acting as I do about good
farming and no more。 Who review the books？ People who never wrote one。
Who do up the heavy leaders on finance？ Parties who have had the largest
opportunities for knowing nothing about it。 Who criticize the Indian
campaigns？ Gentlemen who do not know a war…whoop from a wigwam； and who
never have had to run a foot…race with a tomahawk； or pluck arrows out of
the several members of their families to build the evening camp…fire
with。 Who write the temperance appeals； and clamor about the flowing
bowl？ Folks who will never draw another sober breath till they do it in
the grave。 Who edit the agricultural papers； youyam？ Men； as a
general thing； who fail in the poetry line； yellow…colored novel line；
sensation； drama line； city…editor line； and finally fall back on
agriculture as a temporary reprieve from the poorhouse。 You try to tell
me anything about the newspaper business！ Sir； I have been through it
from Alpha to Omaha； and I tell you that the less a man knows the bigger
the noise he makes and the higher the salary he commands。 Heaven knows
if I had but been ignorant instead of cultivated； and impudent instead of
diffident； I could have made a name for myself in this cold； selfish
world。 I take my leave； sir。 Since I have been treated as you have
treated me； I am perfectly willing to go。 But I have done my duty。 I
have fulfilled my contract as far as I was permitted to do it。 I said I
could make your paper of interest to all classesand I have。 I said I
could run your circulation up to twenty thousand copies； and if I had had
two more weeks I'd have done it。 And I'd have given you the best class
of readers that ever an agricultural paper hadnot a farmer in it； nor a
solitary individual who could tell a watermelon…tree from a peach…vine to
save his life。 You are the loser by this rupture； not me； Pie…plant。
Adios。〃
I then left。
THE PETRIFIED MAN
Now； to show how really hard it is to foist a moral or a truth upon an
unsuspecting public through a burlesque without entirely and absurdly
missing one's mark； I will here set down two experiences of my own in
this thing。 In the fall of 1862； in Nevada and California； the people
got to running wild about extraordinary petrifactions and other natural
marvels。 One could scarcely pick up a paper without finding in it one or
two glorified discoveries of this kind。 The mania was becoming a little
ridiculous。 I was a brand…new local editor in Virginia City； and I felt
called upon to destroy this growing evil； we all have our benignant；
fatherly moods at one time or another； I suppose。 I chose to kill the
petrifaction mania with a delicate； a very delicate satire。 But maybe it
was altogether too delicate； for nobody ever perceived the satire part of
it at all。 I put my scheme in the shape of the discovery of a remarkably
petrified man。
I had had a temporary falling out with Mr。； the new coroner and
justice of the peace of Humboldt； and thought I might as well touch him
up a little at the same time and make him ridiculous； and thus combine
pleasure with business。 So I told； in patient； belief…compelling detail；
all about the finding of a petrified…man at Gravelly Ford （exactly a
hundred and twenty miles； over a breakneck mountain trail from where
lived）； how all the savants of the immediate neighborhood had been to
examine it （it was notorious that there was not a living creature within
fifty miles of there； except a few starving Indians； some crippled
grasshoppers； and four or five buzzards out of meat and too feeble to get
away）； how those savants all pronounced the petrified man to have been in
a state of complete petrifaction for over ten generations； and then； with
a seriousness that I ought to have been ashamed to assume； I stated that
as soon as Mr。 heard the news he summoned a jury； mounted his mule；
and posted off； with noble reverence for official duty； on that awful
five days' journey； through alkali； sage brush； peril of body； and
imminent starvation； to hold an inquest on this man that had been dead
and turned to everlasting stone for more than three hundred years！
And then； my hand being 〃in；〃 so to speak； I went on； with the same
unflinching gravity； to state that the jury returned a verdict that
deceased came to his death from protracted exposure。 This only moved me
to higher flights of imagination； and I said that the jury； with that
charity so characteristic of pioneers； then dug a grave； and were about
to give the petrified man Christian burial； when they found that for ages
a limestone sediment had been trickling down the face of the stone
against which he was sitting； and this stuff had run under him and
cemented him fast to the 〃bed…rock〃； that the jury （they were all silver…
miners） canvassed the difficulty a moment； and then got out their powder
and fuse； and proceeded to drill a hole under him； in order to blast him
from his position； when Mr。； 〃with that delicacy so characteristic of
him； forbade them； observing that it would be little less than sacrilege
to do such a thing。〃
From beginning to end the 〃Petrified Man〃 squib was a string of roaring
absurdities； albeit they were told with an unfair pretense of truth that
even imposed upon me to some extent； and I was in some danger of
believing in my own fraud。 But I really had no desire to deceive
anybody； and no expectation of doing it。 I depended on the way the
petrified man was sitting to explain to the public that he was a swindle。
Yet I purposely mixed that up with other things； hoping to make it
obscureand I did。 I would describe the position of one foot； and then
say his right thumb was against the side of his nose； then talk about his
other foot； and presently come back and say the fingers of his right hand
were spread apart； then talk about the back of his head a little； and
return and say the left thumb was hooked into the right little finger；
then ramble off about something else； and by and by drift back again and
remark that the fingers of the left hand were spread like those of the
right。 But I was too ingenious。 I mixed it up rather too much； and so
all that description of the attitude； as a key to the humbuggery of the
article； was entirely lost； for nobody but me ever discovered and
comprehended the peculiar and suggestive position of the petrified man's
hands。
As a satire on the petrifaction mania； or anything else； my petrified Man
was a disheartening failure； for everybody received him in innocent good
faith； and I was stunned to see the creature I had begotten to pull down
the wonder…business with； and bring derision upon it； calmly exalted to
the grand chief place in the list of the genuine marvels our Nevada had
produced。 I was so disappointed at the curious miscarriage of my scheme；
that at first I was angry； and did not like to think about it； but by and
by； when the exchanges began to come in with the Petrified Man copied and
guilelessly glorified； I began to feel a soothing secret satisfaction；
and as my gentleman's field of travels broadened； and by the exchanges I
saw that he steadily and implacably penetrated territory after territory；
state after state； and land after land； till he swept the great globe and
culminated in sublime and unimpeached legitimacy in the august London
Lancet； my cup was full； and I said I was glad I had done it。 I think
that for about eleven months； as nearly as I can remember； Mr。's
daily mail…bag continued to be swollen by the addition of half a bushel
of newspapers hailing from many climes with the Petrified Man in them；
marked around with a prominent belt of ink。 I sent them to him。 I did
it for spite； not for fun。
He used to shovel them into his back yard and curse。 And every day
during all those months the miners； his constituents （for miners never
quit joking a person when they get started）； would call on him and ask if
he could tell them where they could get hold of a paper with