quit joking a person when they get started）； would call on him and ask if
he could tell them where they could get hold of a paper with the
Petrified Man in it。 He could have accommodated a continent with them。
I hated … in those days； and these things pacified me and pleased me。
I could not have gotten more real comfort out of him without killing him。
MY BLOODY MASSACRE
The other burlesque I have referred to was my fine satire upon the
financial expedients of 〃cooking dividends；〃 a thing which became
shamefully frequent on the Pacific coast for a while。 Once more； in my
self…complacent simplicity I felt that the time had arrived for me to
rise up and be a reformer。 I put this reformatory satire； in the shape
of a fearful 〃Massacre at Empire City。〃 The San Francisco papers were
making a great outcry about the iniquity of the Daney Silver…Mining
Company； whose directors had declared a 〃cooked〃 or false dividend； for
the purpose of increasing the value of their stock； so that they could
sell out at a comfortable figure； and then scramble from under the
tumbling concern。 And while abusing the Daney； those papers did not
forget to urge the public to get rid of all their silver stocks and
invest in； sound and safe San Francisco stocks； such as the Spring Valley
Water Company； etc。 But right at this unfortunate juncture； behold the
Spring Valley cooked a dividend too！ And so； under the insidious mask of
an invented 〃bloody massacre；〃 I stole upon the public unawares with my
scathing satire upon the dividend cooking system。 In about half a column
of imaginary human carnage I told how a citizen hard murdered his wife
and nine children； and then committed suicide。 And I said slyly； at the
bottom； that the sudden madness of which this melancholy massacre was the
result had been brought about by his having allowed himself to be
persuaded by the California papers to sell his sound and lucrative Nevada
silver stocks； and buy into Spring Valley just in time to get cooked
along with that company's fancy dividend； and sink every cent he had in
the world。
Ah； it was a deep； deep satire； and most ingeniously contrived。 But I
made the horrible details so carefully and conscientiously interesting
that the public devoured them greedily； and wholly overlooked the
following distinctly stated facts； to wit： The murderer was perfectly
well known to every creature in the land as a bachelor； and consequently
he could not murder his wife and nine children； he murdered them 〃in his
splendid dressed…stone mansion just in the edge of the great pine forest
between Empire City and Dutch Nick's；〃 when even the very pickled oysters
that came on our tables knew that there was not a 〃dressed…stone mansion〃
in all Nevada Territory； also that； so far from there being a 〃great pine
forest between Empire City and Dutch Nick's；〃 there wasn't a solitary
tree within fifteen miles of either place； and； finally； it was patent
and notorious that Empire City and Dutch Nick's were one and the same
place； and contained only six houses anyhow； and consequently there could
be no forest between them； and on top of all these absurdities I stated
that this diabolical murderer； after inflicting a wound upon himself that
the reader ought to have seen would kill an elephant in the twinkling of
an eye； jumped on his horse and rode four miles； waving his wife's
reeking scalp in the air； and thus performing entered Carson City with
tremendous eclat； and dropped dead in front of the chief saloon； the envy
and admiration of all beholders。
Well； in all my life I never saw anything like the sensation that little
satire created。 It was the talk of the town； it was the talk of the
territory。 Most of the citizens dropped gently into it at breakfast； and
they never finished their meal。 There was something about those minutely
faithful details that was a sufficing substitute for food。 Few people
that were able to read took food that morning。 Dan and I （Dan was my
reportorial associate） took our seats on either side of our customary
table in the 〃Eagle Restaurant；〃 and； as I unfolded the shred they used
to call a napkin in that establishment； I saw at the next table two
stalwart innocents with that sort of vegetable dandruff sprinkled about
their clothing which was the sign and evidence that they were in from the
Truckee with a load of hay。 The one facing me had the morning paper
folded to a long； narrow strip； and I knew； without any telling； that
that strip represented the column that contained my pleasant financial
satire。 From the way he was excitedly mumbling； I saw that the heedless
son of a hay…mow was skipping with all his might； in order to get to the
bloody details as quickly as possible； and so he was missing the guide…
boards I had set up to warn him that the whole thing was a fraud。
Presently his eyes spread wide open； just as his jaws swung asunder to
take in a potato approaching it on a fork； the potato halted； the face
lit up redly； and the whole man was on fire with excitement。 Then he
broke into a disjointed checking off of the particularshis potato
cooling in mid…air meantime； and his mouth making a reach for it
occasionally； but always bringing up suddenly against a new and still
more direful performance of my hero。 At last he looked his stunned and
rigid comrade impressively in the face； and said； with an expression of
concentrated awe：
〃Jim； he b'iled his baby； and he took the old 'oman's skelp。 Cuss'd if I
want any breakfast！〃
And he laid his lingering potato reverently down； and he and his friend
departed from the restaurant empty but satisfied。
He never got down to where the satire part of it began。 Nobody ever did。
They found the thrilling particulars sufficient。 To drop in with a poor
little moral at the fag…end of such a gorgeous massacre was like
following the expiring sun with a candle and hope to attract the world's
attention to it。
The idea that anybody could ever take my massacre for a genuine
occurrence never once suggested itself to me； hedged about as it was by
all those telltale absurdities and impossibilities concerning the 〃great
pine forest；〃 the 〃dressed…stone mansion；〃 etc。 But I found out then；
and never have forgotten since； that we never read the dull explanatory
surroundings of marvelously exciting things when we have no occasion to
suppose that some irresponsible scribbler is trying to defraud us； we
skip all that； and hasten to revel in the blood…curdling particulars and
be happy。
THE UNDERTAKER'S CHAT
〃Now that corpse；〃 said the undertaker； patting the folded hands of
deceased approvingly； was a brick…every way you took him he was a brick。
He was so real accommodating； and so modest…like and simple in his last
moments。 Friends wanted metallic burial…casenothing else would do。
I couldn't get it。 There warn't going to be timeanybody could see
that。
〃Corpse said never mind； shake him up some kind of a box he could stretch
out in comfortable； he warn't particular 'bout the general style of it。
Said he went more on room than style； anyway in a last final container。
〃Friends wanted a silver door…plate on the coffin； signifying who he was
and wher' he was from。 Now you know a fellow couldn't roust out such a
gaily thing as that in a little country…town like this。 What did corpse
say？
〃Corpse said； whitewash his old canoe and dob his address and general
destination onto it with a blacking…brush and a stencil…plate； 'long with
a verse from some likely hymn or other； and pint him for the tomb； and
mark him C。 O。 D。； and just let him flicker。 He warn't distressed any
more than you beon the contrary； just as ca；'m and collected as a
hearse…horse； said he judged that wher' he was going to a body would find
it considerable better to attract attention by a picturesque moral
character than a natty burial…case with a swell door…plate on it。
〃Splendid man； he was。 I'd druther do for a corpse like that 'n any I've
tackled in seven year。 There's some satisfaction in buryin' a man like
that。 You feel that what you're doing is appreciated。 Lord bless you；
so's he got planted before he sp'iled； he was perfectly satisfied； said
his relations meant well； perfectly well； but all them preparations was
bound to delay the thing more or less； and he didn't wish to be kept
layin' around。 You never see such a clear head as what he hadand so
ca；'m and so cool。 Jist a hunk of brainsthat is what he was。
Perfectly awful。 It was a ripping distance from one end of that man's
head to t'other。 Often and over again he's had brain…fever a…raging in
one place； and the rest of the pile didn't know anything about itdidn't
affect it any more than an Injun Insurrection in Arizona affects the
Atlantic States。 〃Well； the relations they wanted a big funeral； but
corpse said he was down on flummerydidn；'t want any processionfill
the hearse full of mourners； and get out a stern line and tow him behind。
He was the most down on style of any remains I ever struck。 A beautiful；
simpleminded creature it was what he was； you can depend on that。 He was
just set on having things the way he wanted th