custom was to dump a poor devil like him into a shallow hole； and then
inform his friends what had become of him。 Mrs。 Murphy jumped to the
conclusion that it would only cost two or three dollars to embalm her
dead husband； and so she telegraphed 〃Yes。〃 It was at the 〃wake〃 that
the bill for embalming arrived and was presented to the widow。
She uttered a wild； sad wail that pierced every heart； and said；
〃Sivinty…foive dollars for stooffin' Dan； blister their sowls！ Did thim
divils suppose I was goin' to stairt a Museim； that I'd be dalin' in such
expinsive curiassities ！〃
The banker's clerk said there was not a dry eye in the house。
THE SCRIPTURAL PANORAMIST ＇Written about 1866。＇
There was a fellow traveling around in that country；〃 said Mr。
Nickerson； 〃with a moral…religious showa sort of scriptural panorama
and he hired a wooden…headed old slab to play the piano for him。 After
the first night's performance the showman says：
〃'My friend； you seem to know pretty much all the tunes there are； and
you worry along first rate。 But then； didn't you notice that sometimes
last night the piece you happened to be playing was a little rough on the
proprieties； so to speakdidn't seem to jibe with the general gait of
the picture that was passing at the time； as it werewas a little
foreign to the subject； you knowas if you didn't either trump or follow
suit； you understand？'
〃'Well； no；' the fellow said； 'he hadn't noticed； but it might be； he had
played along just as it came handy。'
〃So they put it up that the simple old dummy was to keep his eye on the
panorama after that； and as soon as a stunning picture was reeled out he
was to fit it to a dot with a piece of music that would help the audience
to get the idea of the subject； and warm them up like a camp…meeting
revival。 That sort of thing would corral their sympathies； the showman
said。
〃There was a big audience that night…mostly middle…aged and old people
who belong to the church； and took a strong interest in Bible matters；
and the balance were pretty much young bucks and heifersthey always
come out strong on panoramas； you know； because it gives them a chance to
taste one another's complexions in the dark。
〃Well； the showman began to swell himself up for his lecture； and the old
mud…Jobber tackled the piano and ran his fingers up and down once or
twice to see that she was all right； and the fellows behind the curtain
commenced to grind out the panorama。 The showman balanced his weight on
his right foot； and propped his hands over his hips； and flung his eyes
over his shoulder at the scenery； and said：
〃'Ladies and gentlemen； the painting now before you illustrates the
beautiful and touching parable of the Prodigal Son。 Observe the happy
expression just breaking over the features of the poor； suffering youth
so worn and weary with his long march； note also the ecstasy beaming from
the uplifted countenance of the aged father； and the joy that sparkles in
the eyes of the excited group of youths and maidens； and seems ready to
burst into the welcoming chorus from their lips。 The lesson； my friends；
is as solemn and instructive as the story is tender and beautiful。'
〃The mud…Jobber was all ready； and when the second speech was finished；
struck up：
〃Oh； we'll all get blind drunk
When Johnny comes marching home！
〃Some of the people giggled； and some groaned a little。 The showman
couldn't say a word； he looked at the pianist sharp； but he was all
lovely and serenehe didn't know there was anything out of gear。
〃The panorama moved on； and the showman drummed up his grit and started
in fresh。
〃'Ladies and gentlemen； the fine picture now unfolding itself to your
gaze exhibits one of the most notable events in Bible historyour
Saviour and His disciples upon the Sea of Galilee。 How grand； how awe…
inspiring are the reflections which the subject invokes！ What sublimity
of faith is revealed to us in this lesson from the sacred writings！ The
Saviour rebukes the angry waves； and walks securely upon the bosom of the
deep！'
〃All around the house they were whispering； 'Oh； how lovely； how
beautiful！' and the orchestra let himself out again：
〃A life on the ocean wave；
And a home on the rolling deep！
〃There was a good deal of honest snickering turned on this time； and
considerable groaning； and one or two old deacons got up and went out。
The showman grated his teeth； and cursed the piano man to himself； but
the fellow sat there like a knot on a log； and seemed to think he was
doing first…rate。
〃After things got quiet the showman thought he would make one more
stagger at it； anyway； though his confidence was beginning to get mighty
shaky。 The supes started the panorama grinding along again； and he says：
〃'Ladies and gentlemen； this exquisite painting represents the raising of
Lazarus from the dead by our Saviour。 The subject has been handled with
marvelous skill by the artist； and such touching sweetness and tenderness
of expression has he thrown into it that I have known peculiarly
sensitive persons to be even affected to tears by looking at it。 Observe
the half…confused； half…inquiring look upon the countenance of the
awakened Lazarus。 Observe； also； the attitude and expression of the
Saviour； who takes him gently by the sleeve of his shroud with one hand；
while He points with the other toward the distant city。'
〃Before anybody could get off an opinion in the case the innocent old ass
at the piano struck up：
〃Come rise up； William Ri…i…ley；
And go along with me！
〃Whe…ew！ All the solemn old flats got up in a huff to go； and everybody
else laughed till the windows rattled。
〃The showman went down and grabbed the orchestra and shook him up and
says：
〃'That lets you out； you know； you chowder…headed old clam。 Go to the
doorkeeper and get your money； and cut your stickvamose the ranch！
Ladies and gentlemen； circumstances over which I have no control compel
me prematurely to dismiss the house。'〃
CURING A COLD ＇Written about 1864＇
It is a good thing； perhaps； to write for the amusement of the public；
but it is a far higher and nobler thing to write for their instruction；
their profit； their actual and tangible benefit。 The latter is the sole
object of this article。 If it prove the means of restoring to health one
solitary sufferer among my race； of lighting up once more the fire of
hope and joy in his faded eyes； or bringing back to his dead heart again
the quick； generous impulses of other days； I shall be amply rewarded for
my labor； my soul will be permeated with the sacred delight a Christian。
feels when he has done a good； unselfish deed。
Having led a pure and blameless life； I am justified in believing that no
man who knows me will reject the suggestions I am about to make； out of
fear that I am trying to deceive him。 Let the public do itself the honor
to read my experience in doctoring a cold； as herein set forth； and then
follow in my footsteps。
When the White House was burned in Virginia City； I lost my home； my
happiness； my constitution； and my trunk。 The loss of the two first
named articles was a matter of no great consequence； since a home without
a mother； or a sister； or a distant young female relative in it； to
remind you； by putting your soiled linen out of sight and taking your
boots down off the mantelpiece； that there are those who think about you
and care for you； is easily obtained。 And I cared nothing for the loss
of my happiness； because； not being a poet； it could not be possible that
melancholy would abide with me long。 But to lose a good constitution and
a better trunk were serious misfortunes。 On the day of the fire my
constitution succumbed to a severe cold； caused by undue exertion in
getting ready to do something。 I suffered to no purpose； too； because
the plan I was figuring at for the extinguishing of the fire was so
elaborate that I never got it completed until the middle of the following
week。
The first time I began to sneeze； a friend told me to go and bathe my
feet in hot water and go to bed。 I did so。 Shortly afterward； another
friend advised me to get up and take a cold shower…bath。 I did that
also。 Within the hour； another friend assured me that it was policy to
〃feed a cold and starve a fever。〃 I had both。 So I thought it best to
fill myself up for the cold； and then keep dark and let the fever starve
awhile。
In a case of； this kind； I seldom do things by halves； I ate pretty
heartily； I conferred my custom upon a stranger who had just opened his
restaurant that morning； he waited near me in respectful silence until I
had finished feeding my cold； when he inquired if the people about
Virginia City were much afflicted with colds？ I told him I thought they
were。 He then went out and took in his sign。
I started down toward the office； and on the way encountered another
bosom friend； who told me that a quart of salt…water； taken warm； would
come as near curing a cold as anything in the world。 I hardly thought