come as near curing a cold as anything in the world。 I hardly thought I
had room for it； but I tried it anyhow。 The result was surprising。 I
believed I had thrown up my immortal soul。
Now； as I am giving my experience only for the benefit of those who are
troubled with the distemper I am writing about； I feel that they will see
the propriety of my cautioning them against following such portions of it
as proved inefficient with me； and acting upon this conviction； I warn
them against warm salt…water。 It may be a good enough remedy； but I
think it is too severe。 If I had another cold in the head； and there
were no course left me but to take either an earthquake or a quart of
warm saltwater； I would take my chances on the earthquake。
After the storm which had been raging in my stomach had subsided； and no
more good Samaritans happening along； I went on borrowing handkerchiefs
again and blowing them to atoms； as had been my custom in the early
stages of my cold； until I came across a lady who had just arrived from
over the plains； and who said she had lived in a part of the country
where doctors were scarce； and had from necessity acquired considerable
skill in the treatment of simple 〃family complaints。〃 I knew she must
have had much experience； for she appeared to be a hundred and fifty
years old。
She mixed a decoction composed of molasses； aquafortis； turpentine； and
various other drugs； and instructed me to take a wine…glass full of it
every fifteen minutes。 I never took but one dose； that was enough； it
robbed me of all moral principle； and awoke every unworthy impulse of my
nature。 Under its malign influence my brain conceived miracles of
meanness； but my hands were too feeble to execute them； at that time； had
it not been that my strength had surrendered to a succession of assaults
from infallible remedies for my cold； I am satisfied that I would have
tried to rob the graveyard。 Like most other people； I often feel mean；
and act accordingly； but until I took that medicine I had never reveled
in such supernatural depravity； and felt proud of it。 At the end of two
days I was ready to go to doctoring again。 I took a few more unfailing
remedies； and finally drove my cold from my head to my lungs。
I got to coughing incessantly； and my voice fell below zero； I conversed
in a thundering bass； two octaves below my natural tone； I could only
compass my regular nightly repose by coughing myself down to a state of
utter exhaustion； and then the moment I began to talk in my sleep； my
discordant voice woke me up again。
My case grew more and more serious every day。 A Plain gin was
recommended； I took it。 Then gin and molasses； I took that also。 Then
gin and onions； I added the onions； and took all three。 I detected no
particular result； however； except that I had acquired a breath like a
buzzard's。
I found I had to travel for my health。 I went to Lake Bigler with my
reportorial comrade； Wilson。 It is gratifying to me to reflect that we
traveled in considerable style； we went in the Pioneer coach； and my
friend took all his baggage with him； consisting of two excellent silk
handkerchiefs and a daguerreotype of his grandmother。 We sailed and
hunted and fished and danced all day； and I doctored my cough all night。
By managing in this way； I made out to improve every hour in the twenty…
four。 But my disease continued to grow worse。
A sheet…bath was recommended。 I had never refused a remedy yet； and it
seemed poor policy to commence then； therefore I determined to take a
sheet…bath； notwithstanding I had no idea what sort of arrangement it
was。 It was administered at midnight； and the weather was very frosty。
My breast and back were bared； and a sheet （there appeared to be a
thousand yards of it） soaked in ice…water； was wound around me until I
resembled a swab for a Columbiad。
It is a cruel expedient。 When the chilly rag touches one's warm flesh；
it makes him start with sudden violence； and gasp for breath just as men
do in the death…agony。 It froze the marrow in my bones and stopped the
beating of my heart。 I thought my time had come。
Young Wilson said the circumstance reminded him of an anecdote about a
negro who was being baptized； and who slipped from the parson's grasp；
and came near being drowned。 He floundered around； though； and finally
rose up out of the water considerably strangled and furiously angry； and
started ashore at once； spouting water like a whale； and remarking； with
great asperity； that 〃one o' dese days some gen'l'man's nigger gwyne to
get killed wid jis' such damn foolishness as dis！〃
Never take a sheet…bath…never。 Next to meeting a lady acquaintance who；
for reasons best known to herself； don't see you when she looks at you；
and don't know you when she does see you； it is the most uncomfortable
thing in the world。
But； as I was saying； when the sheet…bath failed to cure my cough；
a lady friend recommended the application of a mustard plaster to my
breast。 I believe that would have cured me effectually； if it had not
been for young Wilson。 When I went to bed； I put my mustard plaster
which was a very gorgeous one； eighteen inches squarewhere I could
reach it when I was ready for it。 But young Wilson got hungry in the
night； and here is food for the imagination。
After sojourning a week at Lake Bigler； I went to Steamboat Springs； and；
besides the steam…baths； I took a lot of the vilest medicines that were
ever concocted。 They would have cured me； but I had to go back to
Virginia City； where； notwithstanding the variety of new remedies I
absorbed every day； I managed to aggravate my disease by carelessness and
undue exposure。
I finally concluded to visit San Francisco； and the； first day I got
there a lady at the hotel told me to drink a quart of whisky every
twenty…four hours； and a friend up…town recommended precisely the same
course。 Each advised me to take a quart； that made half a gallon。 I did
it； and still live。
Now； with the kindest motives in the world； I offer for the consideration
of consumptive patients the variegated course of treatment I have lately
gone through。 Let them try it； if it don't cure； it can't more than kill
them。
A CURIOUS PLEASURE EXCURSION
＇Published at the time of the 〃Comet Scare〃 in the summer of 1874＇
＇We have received the following advertisement； but； inasmuch as it
concerns a matter of deep and general interest； we feel fully justified
in inserting it in our reading…columns。 We are confident that our
conduct in this regard needs only explanation； not apology。Ed。； N。 Y。
Herald。＇
ADVERTISEMENT
This is to inform the public that in connection with Mr。 Barnum I have
leased the comet for a term； of years； and I desire also to solicit the
public patronage in favor of a beneficial enterprise which we have in
view。
We propose to fit up comfortable； and even luxurious； accommodations in
the comet for as many persons as will honor us with their patronage； and
make an extended excursion among the heavenly bodies。 We shall prepare
1；000；000 state…rooms in the tail of the comet （with hot and cold water；
gas； looking…glass； parachute； umbrella； etc。； in each）； and shall
construct more if we meet with a sufficiently generous encouragement。
We shall have billiard…rooms； card…rooms； music…rooms； bowling…alleys and
many spacious theaters and free libraries； and on the main deck we
propose to have a driving park； with upward of 100；000 miles of roadway
in it。 We shall publish daily newspapers also。
DEPARTURE OF THE COMET
The comet will leave New York at 10 P。M。 on the 20th inst。； and
therefore it will be desirable that the passengers be on board by eight
at the latest； to avoid confusion in getting under way。 It is not known
whether passports will be necessary or not； but it is deemed best that
passengers provide them； and so guard against all contingencies。 No dogs
will be allowed on board。 This rule has been made in deference to the
existing state of feeling regarding these animals； and will be strictly
adhered to。 The safety of the passengers will in all ways be jealously
looked to。 A substantial iron railing will be put up all around the
comet； and no one will be allowed to go to the edge and look over unless
accompanied by either my partner or myself。
THE POSTAL SERVICE
will be of the completest character。 Of course the telegraph； and the
telegraph only； will be employed； consequently friends occupying state…
rooms 20；000；000 and even 30；000；000 miles apart will be able to send a
message and receive a reply inside of eleven days。 Night messages will
be half…rate。 The whole of this vast postal system will be under the
personal superintendence of Mr。 Hale of Maine。 Meals served at all
hours。 Meals served in staterooms charged extra。
Hostility is not apprehended from any great planet； but we have thought
it best to err on the safe side； and therefore have provided a proper
number of mortars； siege…guns； and boarding…pikes。 History shows that
small； isolated communities； such as the people of remote islands； are